Infinite Thoughts.

I use to be the typical Asian who pulls of nothing less than an A. The one that does nothing but study, go tutoring, does all her homework, learn materials ahead of everyone else, and study some more. I clearly remember that I was an honor roll student in elementary school. in junior high, I recieved nothing lower than a B and was in honors class. in high school, freshman year I had honors classes and recieved my first C for English but did well in all the other classes with As and Bs. Sophomore year, straight As and held a 4.1 GPA. but as junior year hit, hell broke loose. AP chem and AP calc took a toll on me. the first D and class drop I ever recieved was in AP chem. I loved chem and thought I’d enjoy AP chem; I was fcukn wrong and it screwed me over from getting accepted into good universities. AP calc wasn’t as horrific as chem but it was up there too and got Cs for both semesters. along with those AP classes came the toughest history teacher, bradarich. I made it out with a B first semester thanks to lovely extra credit for canned food drive and a C for second semester because there were no extra credit. my gpa just plummet to 2.8. I just lost motivation from there. no top UC would want me anymore since I have a total of 1D and 4Cs at the end of junior year. and none of them did besides UCR. I always imagined myself being at UCI or berekely or one of those prestige ivy leagues. I worked hard and everything fell apart junior year. that Asian girl disappeared. the lack of motivation made me a slacker, a person who does barely there work, and the I don’t care anymore mentality. Where I stand today is not where I have imagined myself. Going to a universiry where practically every student does the bare minimum and gets accepted. not to be cocky, but i know i deserve to be at a better place than here. I did above average all the way until junior year and to see that determine where I today makes me sad. I disappointed myself and my parents. I expected better of me and so does my parents. Im failing school and uncertain about my major. I’ve always stuck to everything and wouldn’t quit but the fear of failing is what makes me reconsider my current major. I feel like such a failure now and that I won’t be able to live up to my parents expectations. I wish I could go back a few years and redo my half of my high school education. i know that if I could, I wouldn’t be in this predictament. but turnin back time is impossible and things do happen for a reason. the person I today is not the person I imagined three years ago.. .

54 days til my birthday.

itsannayy:

2010 SF Chinese Parade<3

Can’t wait til May1st to come.  I’m still waiting on the release of Big Bang on the artist list!  Wonder Girls & 2PM will be there for sure<3

I don’t know what to do. I know I am failing biology because I cant grasp the concept unlike chem ;( I prefer the calculations over the conceptual ideas. I don’t want a fat F on my transcript nor a W. Week 9 is next week then it’s week 10. Let’s see how bad my midterm goes in 6 hours and I’ll decide. I’m almost certain biochem isn’t my shit. I feel like I should shift my major over to chemistry only. Avoid the bio! I feel like what I went through junior year. am I gonna fcuk up my chance at transferring like I did with applying to universities last year? I’m scared. Why do I put myself in this position again :( ahhh. Then again, college is about finding out what you’re good and good at right? Admissions should take it into account. What a waste of my 3 months of class and 5 units -.- blah sleep time for double midtems. ..

hacked my maplestory account. i will hunt ur ass down for stripping my iWeeshx3 & iEpiicFailx3 of my 200mil mesos and a bil worth of items!

what will tonight hold for me, if i decide to call him back @_@;; laughter or tears hrm.

i just had a freaken deja vu as i typed in a status for my msn.  not a good deja vu either fml!

Nothing I do is enough to make you understand what the last 3 years has mean to me.  I believe this is where we end, because there is nothing else I can do.  Even if I can do something, it wouldn’t last.  It wouldn’t hold up because it would only be me again, who keeps things from collapsing.  I’m in less pain than I was around this time of year (last year when you walked out of my life).  I think it’s a sign.  A sign that I am ready to move on and that I should since it would be the best thing.  I can’t keep doing the same thing over and over for years to come.  I’m getting tired of the game you play with me.  I’m getting tired of being the older one when I should be having the time of my life.  You’re older, why don’t you act your age?  22 years old come on now. .. seriously?  Tom and Jerry game with me.  Ridiculous and frustrating!

anyways, it’s midterm week.  Bio and chem in the same day AGAIN.  So much bio to read.  Procrastinating is a bitch T-T;; I need to get my shit together! -sigh-  Time to do my chemistry lab!  Something I am good at!

I must blog.

memories keeps flying back into my head this weekend. it brings back so much laughs, smiles and good times; the constant phone calls, the corrupted jokes, the teasing, the comfort, the security. for almost 2 weeks, I have to live with only these memories instead of actuality. my phone no longer rings off to your favorite song “koko ni iru yo”. there’s no more “Ima slap you” or “slap it di yeah yeah” dirty jokes. there’s no more tease, no more “con heo this con heo” that. I lost someone that I am so comfortable around; someone I can be myself around. the sense of security i had has vanished. everything i worked so hard to keep together just fell apart over something that was so worthless. I thought our friendship meant something to you. I thought we learned from our past. I thought that almost 3 years later we would have a friendship on an mature level where we could talk about our problems with one another instead of this right here—the childish “I’m going to avoid you and not talk”. I thought you understood that I didn’t want our friendship like this again. What I thought about you was wrong. I didn’t want to believe what everyone said about you was true. Everyone told me you don’t give a fcuk about me or our friendship and that I’m just wasting my time and that you get what you could from me and leave me when you find the chance to. despite peoples oppositions, I still stuck by you and defend for you. i see so much potential in you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. you keep proving to me that everyone else was right and that I’m a stupid ass for believing you cared about me and that we’ll always be friends. in my heart i still believe you’re sweet and down to earth, but I feel like the life you live today is keeping you back—the gaming and indefinite lifestyle. I know if we didn’t hold a long distance friendship things wouldn’t be like this. I’ve heard and feel how you treat your real life friend and I want you to be able to do the same to me. The downfall to our friendship is the lack of communications when things get rough. it always has been me who takes the step to mending things together and you have been the one who runs away. I don’t understand why you do it and I really want to understand. It’s like you don’t give a crap about anything between us the past 3 years. it’s so easy for you just to walk away like i don’t mean something to you; that i could just kill myself and you wouldn’t care.  I don’t want to believe you could be someone who’s that heartless to a person. I want you to be able to stay there with me by my side through every problem we have. I want you to take that step to fixing things instead of me; don’t let your ego stop you. you don’t have to act tough around me. Show me the past 3 years meant something to you and that your intentions weren’t to use me and that you’re not heartless. but expecting this from you just seems like a dream—only a dream.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment. it’s always the stupid argument. first it was the couple situation, then the msn status problem, then it was the May ordeal and now this.  because I’m “emo” over the fact you don’t call me, is why you’re mad at me? and the fact that I wasn’t able to “talk” but instead cried when you called me that day. couldn’t you at least comfort me or ask what’s wrong or let’s talk steph. you did none of that but just hung up on me and turned off your phone and rejected my calls in the morning and once again turned off your phone. oh not to mention, you block me on msn. also, not once have you answered my texts. I have never treated you in such an asshole manner. I treat you like how i treat my friends. I did everything in my own powers to make you happy and I expected the same from you. i guess i have too much of a high expectation for you. Was everything ive done for you not enough to satisfy you? Treat me like how you want to be treated. i feel like the only thing I did wrong was to take the first step to fixing everything and be naggy and bitchy. sorry isn’t enough to bring you back. how is that I can forgive you for everytime you said sorry to me but you won’t do the same for me? why so stubborn and the grudge? what have I done?  This all seem so fcukn stupid to me.

You don’t see how much suffering you put me through everytime this happens.  You don’t know how much thoughts, time and effort i put into our friendship over the past years.  It hurts me to see that just one small thing can tear it all apart.  I constantly try to put it together and so many times, i’ve wonder if you’ll try to pick up the pieces if i didn’t.

what happen to the guy I used to know at the beginning of our friendship. the guy that did care and wanted to beat someone up for making me cry? the guy who was always there for me? the guy who asked how was school and motivated me? the guy who wanted to do things with me? bring that guy back. i miss that guy ;/

open your eyes. 3 years, I’ve done so much for you. I never hid anything from you and just opened myself up to you. i never lied or did anything behind your back. i trusted and resepcted you. ive constantly reassured you i’ll always be there for you. i simply want to see the same and that you put in the same effort as I have. it takes two to make any kind of relationship works. just me alone, will never work.

only thing left i could do is wait. .. and see where things go from here.

now i should study and look for electric love tour big bang sweater ;D

61 more days til my 19th birthday.

you won’t talk to me and now i’m at a cross road.  i’m deciding to take a different path and not walk on the same road again.  i hope you’re happy and doing well.

anyways i should do my chem lab instead of downloading music.  ctina passed out on her bed when she’s suppose to study! blahhh

Year 2010 Overview

Taurus always gets tagged with things like “pleasure-seeking” and “materialistic.” That’s probably unfair, in most cases. You’re just as good at dishing out the pleasure as you are at seeking it, and who doesn’t like a few nice things around? Sadly, there’s been just too much struggle in your life the last couple of years when it comes to those two very important parts of your life. Thankfully, 2010 marks the end of that long uphill struggle. Your pleasurable pursuits have been a little more restricted than you’d like over the course of the last two years or so. That’s over with now, so … game on!

The big events this year will not so much be a matter of major happenings as they will be things that have been in the works and are slowly revealing themselves. In the last two years, you’ve put a lot of work into what makes you happy, while Saturn transited your solar Fifth House. Now that those pressures are finally being relieved, you’ll find you are finally gaining traction. Certainly, your love life and your career will feel the difference, but beyond that you’ll notice things going a lot better in other departments of your life. You may have already noticed some of these changes starting to kick in; the real results start happening around your birthday in 2010.

that’s how i feel i am like.  one day im fine the next im flipping out @_@;; like right now i feel like i dont give a fcuk about him tomorrow might be different -.-;; i dont understand myself.  i dont understand how i let him just take total control of my emotions.  i should be in control of my own emotions.  he has me wrapped around his fingers and i know that.  i must start letting go now before it gets any further than it is right now.  i know if i keep going back, me and him will be further into our friendship and it’ll be harder for me to escape the trap.  i must stop before anything bad happens ;/ dun dun dun.

back to the dam essay.  where are you conclusion ;(

happy single awareness day and happy lunar new year(: stay safe!

don’t know what to do with myself.  i am lost and my heart needs a gps. i love you but i need to let you go.  it’s the best for the both of us.  there’s never a year when we’re just happy together as friends.  there were always an argument somewhere in the beginning of the year.  i don’t think we will ever stop arguing over something stupid if you aren’t able to see what’s more important and what’s not.  i can’t keep putting myself out there for you if you’ll just keep trampling all over me repetitively.  i can no longer make you happy if you don’t do the same for me.  it’s been three long years full of hardships and laughs, but right now, it seems like letting go is my only option because fixing it wouldn’t work if you’re just avoiding me.  i hope you’ll one day you’ll see what you’ve lost.  i hope when you find your girlfriend, you treat her better than you ever did with me. treat her with respect, appreciate her, love her and be there for her.  i, myself, hope to find myself someone who makes me happy, respect me, care about me, love me and is there for me.  someone who will not get mad at me over something that is stupid and immature.  someone who is willing to resolve issues and not runaway.  i do love you, but everyone says moving on and letting you go would be the best choice right now for me.  hoping you would change is what’s keeping me from moving forward.  fear of letting go and not being able to find someone else is also keeping me from moving on with my life.  i’ll miss not being able to talk to you on the phone and falling asleep.  i’ll miss you’re stupid lame corrupted jokes.  i’ll miss everything we shared together.  what i have left is our memories.  for now it’s good bye, maybe one day we will be able to be civilized friends but that is far away from now. i wish you the best future.

Letting go is one of the hardest lessons in life, Yet over changing seasons and passing time, You will have to learn to let go of certain People, relationships, situations and things, That fall way beyond your control. Tenacity and the attitude of not giving up, Work wonders on many occasions but not all, As some things just are not meant to be, No matter how hard you fight and cling to them, And forcing your will upon things just repel them further.

There will always be people, Who will turn out in ways you never expected, And it dawns on you that you have to let them go, So that they can fulfill their destinies, While you go on to fulfill your own life path.

As life likes to dish out surprises and challenges, Sometimes it is only through letting go, When your heart cries in anguish, That in the agonizing process that you realize, What is truly worth holding onto.

Letting go does not signify weakness, As it might take more courage to let go than holding on, Like the big, inflexible tree that snaps in the storm, While tiny blades of grasses yield and live on, Revealing the strength of letting go.

—unknown